Dear Polly,. I am in my final year of university and have never had sex and have only been kissed once. My physical intimacy has really stopped at that one kiss, too — no bases have been reached beyond that. This lack of physical and romantic intimacy has really threatened to throw me overboard in the past. I used to be really mean to myself about it. The truth is, Polly, I feel really sad when I think about how I am not a wanted person. Just for useful background, I am a pretty rational person. I am constantly observing and learning about the world around me. I come across as sharp, mature, and I think unfazed by most things.
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I recently learned that one of my adult friends had not yet had sex. My first reaction was surprise, because I remember how much pressure there was to lose your virginity in my teens — and then I was honestly impressed. Not because I thought it was some sort of moralistic victory for her to have never had sex , but because she had confidently made that choice based on what was best for her despite all the crushing social pressure to make a different one. But mostly, it was really no big deal; the subject changed and we went about our day. However, that was my experience with that conversation, but it may very well have been hard for her to share that with me. It could be something she choose to keep private before, for whatever reason. And that's not just me saying so — I reached out to experts for their take on why not having sex is nothing to be worried about. Here's what they had to say. Which is why when I asked licensed marriage and family therapist Nicole Richardson if not having sex yet was something to worry about, her response was clear.
There are many reasons people choose to have sex. I never learned how to ask a girl out, even though several of them asked me out, and it led to some very shallow relationships. In university, I was in clubs that kept me very busy and had little time for a social life. I got into World of Warcraft for a year, picked up drawing as a hobby … and then suddenly I was 27 and worked in an office where every girl is at least 40 and usually divorced with kids, and I honestly had no idea how to ask a girl out or even realize if she was interested in me. Fast forward five years.
Subscriber Account active since. I'm 20 years old, and I have a girlfriend who's a virgin. When we make out, I try to do my best not to put pressure on her to give me oral sex or have penetrative sex, but we've been together for two years, and nothing sexual has happened yet.